Friday
Sep242010
hug it out
Friday, September 24, 2010 at 1:06PM
I may have mentioned this before, but George is a persnickety fellow. He's happy as a clam so long as things are going his way, as is the case with most people. Again, as with most people, when he's feeling misunderstood or slighted in some way, he expresses...distate. We've been working on the most polite and succinct way to say pardon me, Mama, but maybe I wasn't clear in expressing how dearly I love crawling away from you/harrassing the cat/not wearing pants/chewing on this ____, but somehow it's just not taking. So, while he creates an effective script, his father and I are tasked with keeping him in that clammishly happy state. Sometimes that means our lives are not exactly how we pictured they might be.
For the first (give or take) eight months of George's life, papa's sling was, nine times out of 10, the only place my child would deign to nap. I could get a scant 20 minute snooze out of him in his swing once a week if the stars alligned, and he would allow me to nurse him to sleep in the dark, in the bed with about as much regularity but only if I super-duper swore not to even think about thinking about looking at my phone or iPod. He wanted to be on one of us, so on one of us he was.
Thanks to television or whatever, I had envisioned putting my still-awake baby down for a nap, humming a few bars of Mr. Sandman and looking into some fancy ass crib to see him drifting sweetly off to sleep before I made it to the chorus. I'll pause here while you laugh. No, really, don't hold back. Needless to say, that quaint scene has never played out here. George has, since birth, refused to be alone, ever, and would wake screaming seconds after we put him down in the midst of "limp-limb" sleep. I read books; I asked my midwife; I kept trying to convince myself that I was doing it wrong and with just a little more effort I would stumble on the answer. The trick that would make my baby sleep all night, alone, without waking to eat. Like every other baby does from the age of six weeks, if your polling group consists of strangers at the grocery and women who bore children during the Carter administration. We never left him to cry because to do so was completely counter-intuitive. My goal was to chill the kid out, not convince him that I'd run off and he may as well rest up for the long life of orphancy ahead.
Having a baby is sort of like a surprise party in your honor where the guest list changes every time you go to the bathroom. It's the time of your life one minute, but, two minutes later, the room is full of drunk cousins, old roommates who skipped out on rent and the waitress you suspected of spitting in your salad that time you sent it back twice. The secret: just don't go to the bathroom! I finally figured out that if I had a good thing going, I needed to cling to it, not try my luck at a little bit better. Adjust the view I'd gotten from god knows where that babies do a series of things in one way, in one order, and accept that babies are simply small people with preferences, fears, likes and dislikes and changing moods just like the rest of us.
After the revelation that George was not going to bend to my will, nor should he, we started unapologetically telling people that he goes to bed when we do -- 11, midnight, sometimes even later -- and he sleeps until eleven or noon. We told them that we co-sleep even for naps because he doesn't like to be away from me, and so I don't have to worry about his state of mind or, overnight, the potentiality of SIDS. I (for the most part) stopped acting like there was a goal, however far off, of sleeping separately, and embraced the status quo because we are generally all happy and comfortable with this arrangement. The sling goes places with us and George can, when slung, almost invariably still be put to sleep in a matter of moments. Is it a little burdensome to carry a 22 pound baby for hours a day? YES. Is the burden more than the psychological effects of being left alone, confused, sad and lonely, because your parents have things they'd rather do? NO.
I understand the need for sleep training, kind of. I'm not a single mother who works outside of the home. George has two parents, one of whom is almost always with him, who can give him as much attention as he wants. The giving of attention is, as I understand it, the main "deal" with parenting. Being a present, attentive parent means that as long as my kid doesn't understand the concept of compromise, that burden falls to me. I have to compromise as much as possible, so that when it's time for him to give a little back, he doesn't feel slighted. He knows that I'm there, that I respect his needs and want the best for him. That he doesn't have emotional memories of feeling abandoned and grow resentful when I want a shower by myself or, JUST IMAGINE: a weekend girls' trip. People ask how long I'm willing to ride this out, but George has already formed what I see as a pretty secure attachment to me. Whereas two months ago, I had to literally run to and from the bathroom, keeping him in my line of vision and babbling at him like a buffoon all the while, I can now set him down some place safe, walk away and EVEN FLAT IRON MY HAIR some days without him going apeshit or being mad at me when I return. I attribute those gains to Nathan's and my willingness to take a hit for the team in the beginning.
People I know casually have been forcing their babies to "cry it out" since I've known people with babies. I'm happy to say that none of these are close friends, so I don't feel obligated to object. And before I object even privately, I consider their situation. Single parent? Two parents working long hours outside the home? Lots of other kids? When the answer to all of these is NO, I feel sorry for the babies, obviously, who are trying so desperately to get their points across the only way they can and being met with such incomprehensible opposition from their caretakers. But I almost feel sorrier for the parents, for frittering away this brief, unadulterated closeness. For so sorely misunderstanding what I see as the most basic tenet of good parenting: take care of your child before yourself. Do I miss reading a book with both hands or having a leisurely cup of tea and daydreaming? Sure, but someday I'll be lonesome for my baby; I don't want to look back on his first years with regret.
For the first (give or take) eight months of George's life, papa's sling was, nine times out of 10, the only place my child would deign to nap. I could get a scant 20 minute snooze out of him in his swing once a week if the stars alligned, and he would allow me to nurse him to sleep in the dark, in the bed with about as much regularity but only if I super-duper swore not to even think about thinking about looking at my phone or iPod. He wanted to be on one of us, so on one of us he was.
Thanks to television or whatever, I had envisioned putting my still-awake baby down for a nap, humming a few bars of Mr. Sandman and looking into some fancy ass crib to see him drifting sweetly off to sleep before I made it to the chorus. I'll pause here while you laugh. No, really, don't hold back. Needless to say, that quaint scene has never played out here. George has, since birth, refused to be alone, ever, and would wake screaming seconds after we put him down in the midst of "limp-limb" sleep. I read books; I asked my midwife; I kept trying to convince myself that I was doing it wrong and with just a little more effort I would stumble on the answer. The trick that would make my baby sleep all night, alone, without waking to eat. Like every other baby does from the age of six weeks, if your polling group consists of strangers at the grocery and women who bore children during the Carter administration. We never left him to cry because to do so was completely counter-intuitive. My goal was to chill the kid out, not convince him that I'd run off and he may as well rest up for the long life of orphancy ahead.
Having a baby is sort of like a surprise party in your honor where the guest list changes every time you go to the bathroom. It's the time of your life one minute, but, two minutes later, the room is full of drunk cousins, old roommates who skipped out on rent and the waitress you suspected of spitting in your salad that time you sent it back twice. The secret: just don't go to the bathroom! I finally figured out that if I had a good thing going, I needed to cling to it, not try my luck at a little bit better. Adjust the view I'd gotten from god knows where that babies do a series of things in one way, in one order, and accept that babies are simply small people with preferences, fears, likes and dislikes and changing moods just like the rest of us.
After the revelation that George was not going to bend to my will, nor should he, we started unapologetically telling people that he goes to bed when we do -- 11, midnight, sometimes even later -- and he sleeps until eleven or noon. We told them that we co-sleep even for naps because he doesn't like to be away from me, and so I don't have to worry about his state of mind or, overnight, the potentiality of SIDS. I (for the most part) stopped acting like there was a goal, however far off, of sleeping separately, and embraced the status quo because we are generally all happy and comfortable with this arrangement. The sling goes places with us and George can, when slung, almost invariably still be put to sleep in a matter of moments. Is it a little burdensome to carry a 22 pound baby for hours a day? YES. Is the burden more than the psychological effects of being left alone, confused, sad and lonely, because your parents have things they'd rather do? NO.
I understand the need for sleep training, kind of. I'm not a single mother who works outside of the home. George has two parents, one of whom is almost always with him, who can give him as much attention as he wants. The giving of attention is, as I understand it, the main "deal" with parenting. Being a present, attentive parent means that as long as my kid doesn't understand the concept of compromise, that burden falls to me. I have to compromise as much as possible, so that when it's time for him to give a little back, he doesn't feel slighted. He knows that I'm there, that I respect his needs and want the best for him. That he doesn't have emotional memories of feeling abandoned and grow resentful when I want a shower by myself or, JUST IMAGINE: a weekend girls' trip. People ask how long I'm willing to ride this out, but George has already formed what I see as a pretty secure attachment to me. Whereas two months ago, I had to literally run to and from the bathroom, keeping him in my line of vision and babbling at him like a buffoon all the while, I can now set him down some place safe, walk away and EVEN FLAT IRON MY HAIR some days without him going apeshit or being mad at me when I return. I attribute those gains to Nathan's and my willingness to take a hit for the team in the beginning.
People I know casually have been forcing their babies to "cry it out" since I've known people with babies. I'm happy to say that none of these are close friends, so I don't feel obligated to object. And before I object even privately, I consider their situation. Single parent? Two parents working long hours outside the home? Lots of other kids? When the answer to all of these is NO, I feel sorry for the babies, obviously, who are trying so desperately to get their points across the only way they can and being met with such incomprehensible opposition from their caretakers. But I almost feel sorrier for the parents, for frittering away this brief, unadulterated closeness. For so sorely misunderstanding what I see as the most basic tenet of good parenting: take care of your child before yourself. Do I miss reading a book with both hands or having a leisurely cup of tea and daydreaming? Sure, but someday I'll be lonesome for my baby; I don't want to look back on his first years with regret.
Reader Comments (8)
I agree! I agree!! I came to a similar conclusion about my bub and sleeping just last night. I was being made to feel like I failed because she doesn't sleep through the night, and it thoroughly bums me out that my pediatrician is one of the principal shamers. Maribel wakes up several times a night, and I happily feed her or soothe her to sleep with the boob. To me, it makes perfect sense to feed her at night since I have to be away from her during the day while I'm working. I don't mind waking up to feed her. I love co-sleeping. What's the problem, then? If it works for me, why the hell am I made to feel guilty about it?
I continue to high five you daily. xo
AMEN and AMEN (one from me and one from Charlie) I think this is my 'the definitive go to "study"' for why I think CIO is wrong. I have adored seeing the leaps and bounds in Nolie being OK with (going home with any of you) being alone to play, not having me in eye sight, etc. I hadn't thought of how different that is than the early months (of moby pooping). I think that very thing this speaks to is the 'this is a short, short time' and I will likely remember them with fondness and not regret or loss. Thanks for posing this. Thanks for being my friend. And thanks for being such a awesome Mom to George.
yeah, yeah, yeah! you're awesome! thanks for sharing with everyone. i'm so glad to have a group of friends who feel the same way on these issues! i feel the same way about nighttime parenting, hence the reason that linc is over 1 year old now and still sleeping primarily with us and eating more than a few times most every night :). it has just been the last few weeks where things are really changing. he is starting to sleep for longer and even start out sleeping in his crib each night and naps in his crib every day. i really attribute this start of "normal" sleep patterns to the fact that we catered to what he needed at night for over a year. now he is a trusting and well adjusted baby, learning to sleep on his own. it definitely feels great knowing that we made the right choice for our baby. way to stick it out, through the cringes and bad looks, co-sleeping, attachment parenting parents! way to be awesome parents!
Funnily enough, my whole WIC office (pathetic) congratulated me heartily on still feeding George at night AND co-sleeping while our doctor too is on the night weaning train. Difference: WIC office staff = all Mexican. Cholas win again, forever.
it always cracks me up when people act like (or even say outright) that if you co-sleep, your kid will never want to leave the family bed. i guess that might be true for some, but...seriously? people like space and time to themselves, young people included. linc rules and you rule.
oh, the things i've done with george in the ergo. someday when i accidentally barge in on him in his underwear and he screams, i'll tell him the stories. maybe not. in any case, thank YOU.
[...] I can see past the next feeding, the next sleep cycle, the next diaper change and song. The possibility of alone play is turning into a reality, slowly, surely, not daily — not yet — but frequent enough. My self care routine is [...]
[...] Stefanie lives in the sometimes beautiful Pacific Northwest with her cat-obsessed baby boy and public high school-teaching partner. She routinely sleeps until noon and blogs at very, very fine. This post was edited from a version previously published at very, very fine. [...]