attachment

I'm big into labels. It's not the most popular position to hold, but I've found that labels often make things easier for everyone, and I like them adhered to. Strictly. If you call yourself a vegetarian and I see you eating fish, you better believe I'll be outing you as the pescetarian that you are. When I became a parent, when I was groping around like I'd misplaced my glasses with a confusing newborn and all these instincts I thought were wrong and weird, finding a concept like attachment parenting was a veritable life preserver tossed at me from the banks of experience. A label. Finally. Something I could research. Identify with. Cling to. But, I've been a part of enough "causes" to know a zealot when I see one, when I start to become one. And? It's not pretty. Zealots are a thin veneer of annoying, self-righteous jerkiness, hiding an insecure and defensive recent convert. I've unabashedly started many, many sentences with, "Dr. Sears says..." and finished them with what I honestly believe to be sound advice; just because my own mother/sister/friend didn't say it doesn't make it invalid or preachy. But where's the line? And have I crossed it? Why am I asking so many rhetorical questions?

Recently, I've started feeling somewhat alienated by the "natural parenting" community, which is populated by a ton of totally nice, well meaning people... and a bunch of argumentative zealots to whom "go with your gut" is a personal slogan. My mothering instinct is intact, but so is my brain, and when you argue that your child was "completely different" after their MMR, blaming it for autism diagnosed by your chiropractor, the debate ends. Because you're talking nonsense. When you refuse antibiotics after your kid's sixth ear infection in as many months, after garlic oil and breastmilk have failed (and failed and failed and failed), you're not being "natural," you're being silly. When I cut my child's food into smaller pieces, I'm not stifling his natural instincts, I'm trying to keep him from gagging himself which, I realize, will not kill him. But, do you want to gag your way through every meal because it's what all the popular blogs are encouraging? 

Never before has having a philosophy been so exhausting. Keeping up with what's en vogue -- natural rubber pacifiers? Check! Wait, no artificial nipples? Okay! Books are cool, right? Hang on, is that a picture of a baby in a crib? RED ALERT RED ALERT NOT AP -- is a part-time job I just don't have the energy for. Or, frankly, the devotion to. Suddenly, it all just seems so... inane. The fervor smacks of having nothing else to do, nothing else to think about. I'm no great mind, but I'd rather take an hour to listen to Fresh Air than comment on Facebook about what a demonic bastard that Ferber is. 

George eating Trader Joe's brand cheese puffs out of a plastic snack cup.

I'm not recusing myself entirely; the NP/AP community still has a lot to offer and I still have a lot to learn. For once in my life, however, I'm giving up the title. I'm no longer a strict adherent. I'm the pescetarian of the parenting set, and that's totally okay by me. 

Comments

[Dee]

*applause* Wow, I'm impressed that you figured out so early in your parenting days something that took me about 5 years to do. (I blame it on spending too much time on MDC) Yes, I'm an "AP/NFL" parent, but I don't feel the need to list my credentials. And it's ok to roll your eyes when someone suggests that your kid's allergies may be unresolved gut issues. I take what I like, leave the rest...and never take myself too seriously. Sounds like you're doing the same.

[Autumn Baughn]

I like this. I feel this too- I want to identify with something just so that I have a line to follow, but so much of what we choose does not line up with AP. Nolie eats some junk sometimes, she sleeps in a crib, she is vaccinated and medicated when she needs to be. Lately I have been shying away from saying those things or letting them slip out when I am in certain crowds- no longer, this post outed me and is the shove I needed to be honest even in the tightest of AP circles.

I hope I haven't ever made you feel this way, I look up to you as a mom and think that the decisions you have made with George are informed/researched and sound. Way to go Mama.

[Rachael]

A guest post at Mama Eve a few months ago was a big "a-ha!" for me; the author explained the difference between attachment theory, which describes the indisputable reality that children need to have secure attachments to one or more caregivers in order to thrive, and attachment parenting, which is a set of behaviors and tools designed to promote healthy attachment. Some of the behaviors and tools of attachment parenting may or may not be necessary; attachment itself is absolutely necessary. Some people — though I don't think most people who actually practice AP — lose sight of the actual purpose of attachment parenting and look at the AP behaviors as ends in themselves.

[Melissa]

I love this post! I'm a lot like you with labels: I love them for their function. They tell me what something is and allow me to file it away for reference in a neat and tidy fashion. There definitely comes a time, though, when the label stops working for us and starts to limit us, and that's when I think it's time to reassess. I admire your willingness to do so. It can be hard to admit when something just isn't working, because it's hard to see the difference between that and failure - which reassessing totally is not. Thanks for the great read!

Oh, and as soon as I finish my post for the evening, I'll be passing along an award to you. Feel free to check my blog for details, or not if you'd rather not!

[Layla]

Lovely post. And brave, too. One thing I've learned from parenting so far - philosophies and book can help you out, but ultimately how you parent is going to have to be as individual as the little one you are raising. Now that I've got a second, I'm also seeing that what worked for number one is unlikely to work for number two. Heck what works one day may not work the next! This is part of the beauty and adventure of raising children.

[Michelle @ The Parent Vortex]

A friend recently commented on my blog, saying that she thought my approach to parenting was very similar to the concept of "informed consent" in midwifery, and I think she's right. I aim to research the risks and benefits of the things I need to make a decision on with regards to my kids, and I try to choose what seems best. This is why I breastfeed and co-sleep; it's also why I vaccinate and actively teach phonics to my 4 year old.

Congrats on ditching the label. :) I'm getting to be less and less a fan of labels myself.