on frenemies
Friday, February 11, 2011 at 8:44PM Until I had a child, the term 'frenemy' was useless to me. The term itself, I guess, remains useless to me in its total stupidity, but the concept has wormed its way, unwelcomed, into my life. As someone who relishes quality over quantity and enjoys burning bridges, the people I know fall easily into two camps: those I like and those I don't. The latter are short-timers in my particular story, and I prefer things that way, as I'm quick to judge and act accordingly. I'm not terribly proud of any of this, but it's something I've come to understand about myself and if we're being honest, I'd say it saves both me and them a lot of teeth-gnashing and time. Do you want to hang out with someone that doesn't like you? Yeah, me either.
Cut to new parenthood, when you're just kind of desperate for a lent ear, someone with under-eye bags as phenomenal as yours, who won't snicker at your elastic waist pants. It's as though you're rebounding from the most hellacious breakup imaginable; you'd sleep with the first person that asked for the time with a smile -- he seemed nice, right?! RIGHT?! RIGHT????!?!?!?! This vulnerable state so rarely produces healthy relationships, but they're often the hardest to walk away from. After all, you've gone through so much together. And you have so much in common. And, anyway, you're probably just too picky.
I recently "unfriended" two people on Facebook, in one case, in something of a blaze of glory: She was a friend of a friend that I saw regularly enough but never cared for -- too smarmy and disingenuous, too self-interested without being self-aware. I found myself picking apart her every visible comment, her status updates. And that was just online. In person, I was curt and dismissive. She was annoying, sure, but I was fast becoming AS annoying; nobody likes a snarky know-it-all (except me; snarky know-it-alls, there's room at my table). When she began simultaneuously insulting a friend's writing and prosthelytizing about feeding her kid meat, I allowed myself one last jab before hitting delete and removing her from my life (kind of) forever.
I found her parenting choices repugnant, but I still knowingly spent time with her. Much like the good-for-nothing boyfriend, I hated myself with her but found it hard to sever the tie. Mom friends are hard to come by, I told myself. Maybe I'm being too judgmental.
And you know, maybe I was. Maybe I am. But I didn't like myself when we interacted. A younger version of me would've allowed the urge to hunt for chinks in her armor to go unchecked. To, with one liners, make her look dumb, just for the fun of it (she could stick up for herself, right?). It's a shameful skill. One I'd hate to pass on. One I don't want to model for my son or hers. And speaking of her son, I want him to think his mother is an absolute genius -- the best in the world, because undermining another mother's work is nowhere near my agenda.
When we ran into each other a few days ago, we were cordial but brief. I felt a little sorry for possibly being too hasty. But isn't that always the way? I'm lucky enough to have a few wonderful friends with whom I regularly share coffee, copious sweets, with whom I don't always agree, but who make me feel nice. Friends that I hope feel nice in my company. Good riddance to the frenemies; friends only from here on out.
George and Stanley Cat, our household's Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie (um, what's up 2006? I don't get out much, okay?)
Reader Comments (5)
George and Stanley should have a TV show in a few years where they live in your back yard wearing funny farmer clothes and Ugg boots as a means of helping rebuild their relationship (please say you saw that show?).
I like this. And I like being friends.
I just drove home from hanging out with some people and was thinking along similar lines. It's not always so black and white, but thanks for the timely post and letting me know that I'm not being "too picky". :)
i love this. i love you for being so, well, you. also, i am happy we are friends, i definitely wouldn't want to be at the other end of the spectrum... :)
I really liked this post. I am, I guess I should say was, the opposite of you in the past. I let friendships that were hurtful and pointless linger on just because. This ended up causing unending hurt and I didn't like this person so why in the world was I hanging on for?? Then this person caused irreparable harm to me and I finally FINALLY cut ties forever. My life has been SO MUCH better since dumping that friendship. I have been chided for it, told to let bygones be bygones from a mutual friend (who didn't even know the extenuating circumstances) so I decided if she couldn't take my word for it (as she had no in the past in other instances) maybe she wasn't such a hot friend either. Dump, dump. I still am a casual acquaintance with the latter but definitely not close anymore. And, guess what? In both instances it was the right thing to do. Why be friends with people that you don't like and/or they don't like you? Life's too short! I'm just holding on to the good ones!
i want to share coffee and copious sweets with you and that spectacular gold-legging clad boy of yours. xxoo